I think I might be addicted to hating myself.
It’s a weird thing to say, and it’s a weird way to word it, but that’s genuinely the only way to simply say it. I try so hard to help people accept who they are and accept the things they see and cry about when they see themselves, but it’s because I know what that feels like.
I know what it feels like to look in the mirror and feel my heart fall in my chest because the body in front of me isn’t what I’ve been told is something beautiful. I know what it feels like to touch my body and feel such a strong sense of disgust for something that I can’t get away from. I know what it feels like to be trapped inside a body that I feel as though I’ve been taught is like a curse no one should have.
I want to help people though that, but at the same time, I want to help myself. I need to help myself.
I shouldn’t have an overpowering thought that’s calculating how little I can eat in a day that would make me skinny without people thinking I have a problem.
I shouldn’t have this delusional thought that because my stomach is growling, I have a sort of control over my body.
I shouldn’t have the constant thought in my head as to what I should be doing to make the grossness I feel all over my body disappear.
But most importantly, I want to be able to eat food. I want to be able to look at it without think as to what part of me it’ll stick to. I want to be able to eat it without feeling an urge of tears because I like the feeling of being empty.
It’s not okay. It’s not okay for me to feel like this. It’s not okay for anyone to feel like this. These thoughts are the things that destroy you, but no one can really see it happening. You are the one destroying yourself, but you are also the one that is begging for it to stop.
I hate that I feel like this. I hate that other people feel like this. I hate that it has become so normal to feel like this. And I hate that it’s so hidden when you feel like this.
I’ve been trying for years. I’ve been trying to change my mindset on this completely, but it’s not easy. It’s so hard to try to love yourself when you’ve spent so long hating every single part. I don’t know if I’m making any progress. Some days, I take 5 steps forward, but other days, it’s like a car hits me and I go flying 10 miles back.
I’m not giving up on this. I fully intend to overcome this; to overcome myself. I truly think it’s possible and I don’t want other people who feel like this to think that it isn’t.